VOLUME NINE

Arsenic & Illusions

This piece is written to be read aloud, although even the artist hasn't quite managed to do that just yet.

I'm sorry

I didn't mean to

I just

I wanted you to know

I won't do it again

Fuck

Kelly that's not what he meant

He said things like you say things and like everyone says things

He just meant

After a few days you weren't okay

And you weren’t

But I was annoying

God I don't want to be annoying

I was so sad and lost and I was trying to send a positive message rather than just being sad and needy and I fucked it up anyway

And I didn't text the other nights because I was trying to not be that person

I was trying to deal on my own

I'm so tired

I hate the nightmares and most of all I hate the ones I can't understand

I'm being annoying

I need to stop saying I missed you because it's needy and pathetic and I've already went too far

The book

God what was I thinking

Kelly

Breathe

He's here because he wants to be

He's here because you're easy

Stop it

Sleeping with someone because you want to sleep with them does not make you easy

That's what sex is

Fuck

I don't even know what to say

Because being honest is being annoying

Because lying is the opposite of what I ever want to do with you and you know anyway

I used to be better at lying about this

Or maybe I've just never been around someone that wanted to know the truth before

Have I always been this easy to read

Fuck

Easy

Slut

For fucks sake Kelly that is not why he's here nor is it the food or the double bed or being closer to work

One of the things you love about him is the fact he says what he wants and he says he wants you

He is honest and you trust him

But not as much as you trust the darkness

Because what else was there to trust

You didn't freak out over dinner

That's really good

I mean you did but like very very mildly

That's really good

What do I even say

That I just want to be held

That I just want to be interesting enough

That I don't care how long you play Skyrim as long as there is time between you stopping that and falling asleep for us

 

I spent my childhood falling asleep to people wishing I wasn't there and finding better things to do and all I wanted was to be the last thing

The end of the day

Not the chore